Voldemort's Insanity: The Quest for the Heir
by captainJR
Summary: Snape goes to find Voldemort's estranged daughter that is raised by indonesian queers who bought her for a pound and a half of hash from some hippies Dumbledore gave her too. Long story just started.


I Do not own any Harry Potter Character or any of its affiliates. yadda yadda blah blah blah. I only own my own character Jade. and Veronica. Thats it. Anywhos, there's been a change in plans. Originally I was going to write a story with how to annoy Voldemort pointers… Now Voldemort is going to go gay insane… while the only people who will stay around and deal with him are going to be his estranged daughter, and Severus Snape. Every once in a while other famous Harry Potter characters will pop in to say "Allo," otherwise its these three main characters. I haven't decided if its going to be a romance between the two, Jade and Severus I mean, not Severus and Voldemort. That's gross. If you are into that type of thing… this isn't the story you want to read. That fiction can be found on . There are some really awesome writers on there by the way. Anyways, on with the show!!

"Severus…" Lord Voldemort's voice came from the ragged old armchair with crappy upholstery.

"Yes, my lord?" Severus Snape the Potions Master and Loyal Death Eater replied to the back of the armchair.

"You may approach the front of the chair." Severus rose from his knees and walked forward slowly around the crappy armchair before turning around and bowing once again in front of the shallow faced horror of a man. "You are the one and only crony in all my years of doom that I have ever trusted." Voldemort said to Snape in a tone of voice that sounded like Vincent Price had accidentally swallowed a snake. Snape stared in shock and wondered what the fuck was wrong with Voldemort. "I need you to find my daughter."

"What?" Snape continued to stare at Voldemort as if he had been slapped with a tuna fish.

"My daughter. I need you to find her. I can feel my brain sloshing around in my head as we speak. I feel that soon the time will come that I will need my one and only heir to continue my legacy and continue to strive to conform this godforsaken country into a lovely empire of evil and despair." Lord Voldemort stared off into the mantle place where once a hearty fire burned.

"You… have a daughter…?" Snape was still stunned and staring at his lord's knees.

"Yes… I have a daughter." Voldemort snapped back at Snape.

"If I may be as bold… But… if may I ask, how…did you come about having a daughter?" Snape looked up at his master.

"Well, I was at a bar in America oh about 23 years ago, you would remember this as the time when I was attempting to recruit American purebloods, when I became completely smashed out of my mind on something called "Black Velvet". Anyways, this beautiful girl was standing next to me in the pureblood nightclub called "BVC54". I think she said she was a Native American Herbal doctor. She gave me a lovely American cigarette… smelled like a flower when I lit it. Made me extremely happy after I smoked it. Basically, I boned her, gave her my mailing address and told her to owl sometime, came home. She owled me about 5 months later telling me that she was pregnant with my brat and that she didn't want it after it was born and that I was going to have to take it if I didn't want to hear about an abandoned pureblood English native American bastard on the street. So, of course thinking that it would surely be a boy, I mailed the American whore back telling her I would take the damned child and raise it to be the next evil overlord. Needless to say, it was a girl, and I was disappointed to say the least." Voldemort huffed impatiently as he glared towards the fireplace.

"So, if you took the child from the American bar hussy, where is she now?" Severus asked Voldemort.

"I gave her to Dumbledore, who gave her to some hippies. That's why Dumbledore and me stopped getting along. Lord Voldemort's daughter…raised by hippies... What in the hell is the world coming to?" Lord Voldemort held his nostrils in distress.

"Dumbledore gave her to hippies?" Snape asked incredulously.

"Last time I had any information on her that's where she was. Unfortunately, they gave her to someone else for pound and a half of hash and didn't ask the person what their name was." Voldemort said as he glared into the mantle place.

"Oh, well that's a hippie for you. Drugs for babies, babies for drugs. Whichever way they don't care. As long as they get what they want they're happy with their long hair, their stupid petiole oil, and their pockets filled to the edges with drugs. They are disgusting animals. They aren't even humans let alone muggles." Snape spat on the floor in disgust at the thought of the smelly creatures that believed themselves higher beings.

"Well, besides the point of them being disgusting pieces of crap, I want you to find my daughter. All you need is to take some of my father's blood and use it in a tracing spell and you'll be able to find her like you were able to resurrect me. It's quite simple; you know this, why the hell am I babbling? See what I mean. My brain is going as we speak, Severus. The sooner the better." Lord Voldemort sighed dejectedly. "Find her. Please."

"Yes, Master. I will begin immediately." Severus bowed as he stood.

"You are dismissed my most loyal and respected follower." Voldemort kissed Severus's hand with a tear in his eye. "Oh, and Severus?"

"Yes, my Lord?"

"Can you make me a Margarita?"

Snape stared at his master and decided that the sooner he found his daughter the sooner the world would be back on the sane track again.

!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()+

Snape added the last ingredient into the tracking potion…Tom Riddle Senior's blood. He watched as the surface began to change into a mirror surface. He watched as the swirls began to smooth out into a hall of a school of some sort. He watched as all types of girls passed the surface when it finally focused in on one in particular. A girl with many different hair colors mixed with her apparently natural black hair. Her eyes where a vivid green, she was wearing a black tank top with a pair of faded jeans that were ripped on both knees and below the holes on the knees were more holes. Under her face came Snape's original addition to the tracking potion: a written location.

St. Helena's School of Witchcraft for Girls

525 Oregon St.

Vallejo, California USA

Snape was suddenly distracted from his work when he heard gasps from the torture room next door where they were having a meeting with Lucius and Pettigrew.

"Hey Lucius, watch how far I can shove this French fry up my nose!!" came a yell that sounded suspiciously like Lord Voldemort's voice.

Snape felt himself smack his head with his left hand as his right was currently busy writing down the location of Voldemort's daughter. He had one last thing to look at in the potion before he was finished and set out to get her.

!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()

She was assaulted as she turned the corner.

"JADE!!" shrieked the voice; "I can't BELIEVE he did that to YOU!!"

"Did what to me?" She asked confused. "What in the hell are you talking about Veronica?"

"He gave you 3 weeks of detention after you stormed out!" Veronica said hurriedly with her eyes open wide and her mouth running a million miles a minute. "He said that you were never to disrespect him ever again in that manner again and if you ever did you were going to be expelled!! Oh my GOD!!"

"Quite frankly, Veronica, I hope I fucking do get expelled. I fucking hate this school." Jade began to walk vigorously to her locker. "Fucking asshole. Get away from me Veronica. You annoy me."

"But…bu-but…Jade…I thought we were friends?" Veronica asked as she tried to match Jades stride.

"Well, you thought wrong you annoying twat." Jade growled in the girl's direction.

"Fine, Jade, but come this time tomorrow everybody here is going to know your secret. That you are adopted." Veronica stopped in the middle of the hallway and crossed her arms with a smug grin on her face. Jade came to a sudden halt and spun around with a death glare on her face.

"You think I give a fucking shit what you and your stupid cunt friends think of me? I'm more pure blooded then any of you skinny cunts will ever dream to be. So, take that and bring it and tell that to everyone that you think would spit upon my name once they know that I'm adopted. In other words Veronica Star…. Go fuck yourself." Jade turned around and smirked as she continued on her way to her locker. She was leaving this hellhole for the last time.

!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()

Snape entered the school at a brisk walk. He was on a mission. A mission he was to complete as quickly and smoothly as possible. His and all of the other death eaters lives depended on it. Hell. All of Britain's lives depended on it. If he didn't convince the girl to come with him…the economy of the witches and warlocks world in England would crumble. He cursed underneath his breath.

!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()+-!#&()

Jade grabbed her backpack and began shoving all of her belongings out of her locker into its compartments furiously. She ripped her pictures of her friends off of the inside of her locker and crumbled them up and threw them in a trash bin (or near one in some pictures cases), she didn't need them anymore, they were all fake, they came along with the school and all its lies. They were the biggest lies of them all. Their noses, their boobs, even their teeth were fake. Everything was plastic. Formed how the government and the parents wanted them to be, molded like plaster. She hated the American government. What her foster parents didn't know was that her real mother had gotten in touch with her and told her of her parentage. How her father was a blood-crazed fool of a man named Tom Riddle… also known as Lord Voldemort. Her mother was a Native American witch who specialized in telepathy and herbs. Jade's problem was that she wanted to get to know her father. It wasn't that she was interested in becoming part of the killing sprees and whatnot, she just wanted to know what he was like, like any other orphan has ever wanted to know what their parent was like. She was allowed that. She was an ordinary orphan. Sure, she had her perks about her, being adopted by an Indonesian couple who were both gay wizards from New York that bought her from some hippies in England for a pound and a half of hash, they hadn't had any money at the time and they had genuinely wanted a child and being both men could not reproduce, they had found the perfect child within the band of hippies.

Anyways, back to the story at hand, Jade was furious. She shoved her belongings into her backpack, attempted to zip it closed, failing to do so accioed it closed, and began to march angrily to the front office to give the headmaster a piece of her mind.


End file.
